How to break up with your side guy

This is why you should stay single or break up if you have a little sexual itch you need to scratch. But, I get it, we all make mistakes. So, what if you regret the affair and want to end it but you are scared your sidepiece will blow up your life i.e. tell your partner that you’ve been a dirty cheater?

After all, how safe were you, really, when you were cheating?

Surely your sidedick (or chick) has plenty of evidence at their disposal, whether or not they will choose to share it is the most terrifying part. 

How do you cut things off without pissing them off to the point that they expose your trifling ass? 

Quickly find the thin line between kissing their ass and flirting with them. You don’t want them to think that you still wanna fuck around with them, but you also don’t want them to hate you. Tell them you are trying to be faithful to the person you initially made a commitment to. This makes it sound like a loyalty issue, not a “you don’t love me” issue. trust me, the last thing you want to is to make them think you don’t care about them. Make it seem like they deserve better than you and what you can offer them. Say everything you can that will make you look as pathetic as possible, so your sidechick/dick won’t be angry. I mean, really try hard.

Slowly ghost them. Change everything. Your social media handles, your email, your phone number. You shouldn’t need to move because you should know better than to let a sidepiece know where you live. This is a rookie mistake if I ever heard one. 

“But Ely, she knows where I live, now what?!”

You better pray to the gods of infidelity that they don’t show up at your house when your partner is there. 

Is it considered breaking up if you never officially dated the person? Yes, and it might be worse because you most likely have more to lose than the person you are trying to break up with.

When I realized that things were going too far (i.e. he was telling me to leave my bf) I texted my sidedick (yes, texted, cuz I knew if I did it in person we would just have sex again) and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore because I was trying to become a better person and gf. I really piled on how amazing he is, which he is. His personality is great, he is so funny, really cute and sweet. Unfortunately, he suffers from delusions of grandeur and calls himself an entrepreneur as he sits in his parent’s basement selling xans and weed. I realized I could never be with someone like that even if I was single, so why was I wasting my time, risking everything for this dude? Besides, the newness had worn off by then.

The newness of a fling is some addictive shit.

His reaction to my breaking things off? He thanked me for being so good to him. I essentially treated him as a second bf, I didn’t know any better.

Years later, it’s safe to say that if we saw each other in public, I would definitely go up to him and say hi.