Dear Ely: Should I respond to my ex?
Dear Ely,
I (32) have been married for 4 years, been with my husband (33) for almost 6 years.
Lately, I been catching myself thinking about my ex a lot. I dated him before my husband, and the last time we talked was a few weeks ago when he DMed me on Instagram. Before that, we hadn’t talked in 4 years.
We had a good relationship, but since we were in college when we dated, it never got too serious between us and when we broke up, it wasn’t really a breakup. We just slowly stopped talking.
He’s married with a kid now, he has pics of his wife and daughter on his Instagram. This is what he sent me :
Hey, I finally found you! Looks like you’re doing great, hit me up sometime.
I haven’t responded because I don’t know what to even say. I’m kinda scared that if I respond, then we will exchange numbers. Then what if he wants to meet up?
I thought about him occasionally before but ever since he DMed me I can’t stop thinking about him. Remembering our old relationship, how we never fought, the sexual chemistry, we had a shit load of fun! It doesn’t help that he is even cuter now than he was back then, ugh. I had looked for him on Facebook a couple years ago but didn’t find him.
Should I DM him and get it out of my system or not even respond? How do I forget about him?
Signed,
Fantasies about my ex
Dear Fantasies about my ex,
Are you happily married? If you were to respond to your ex, would this be a topic you would feel comfortable talking about with your husband? How do you think he would feel about it? Would he feel threatened that you’re chatting with an ex?
Let’s put the shoe on the other foot for a second. What if he approached you about sparking a friendship with a college ex that he was highly compatible with and never really got closure with?
You mentioned that you searched for him on Facebook and didn’t find him. Why did you want to get in contact with him?
But also, why did you only try one way to find him? When people are truly determined, they use different avenues to find the person they’re looking for. Maybe you didn’t need to find him that badly?
Maybe some things are better left undisturbed. Closure isn’t always necessary, especially when the relationship slowly dissipated on its own, and ended almost on a positive note. Why not leave things as they are, before you start to confuse lust for love.
I think his DM re-ignited a natural curiosity but ultimately, sacrificing your current marriage is not the risk. Because you’re married now.
But, a few months from now, if you are still thinking about him constantly and obsessively, then you gotta contact me again cuz you gotta figure some things out!
Best of luck!
